Keeping Up Appearances

There are countless authors out there who claim to know the deep dark secret to selling books. This knowledge they impart in books, on blogs, in online forums, at writing conferences, in e-mail discussion groups, just about any place where they'll find attentive ears or eyes.

Here's my advice: Don't pay attention to any of them.

I hate to be a naysayer, but there are too many sages out there selling too much false hope.

The reality is that there is no secret formula that will magically transform your book into a best-seller. It's nice to daydream - and who does that better than writers - but odds are that you aren't going to be the next Stephen King or John Grisham.

I used to read all the print an online book marketing wisdom of my fellow authors but I've since cut most of it out of my life. The problem is, it's addictive, and you start to feel like a junkie, feeding on every nugget of information that is out there for the taking. Then you develop a splitting headache, as you try to sort out all of the competing theories and views and to make sense of it all, until you realize that there are no answers and that nobody's right and that nobody's wrong. Some things work for some and other things work for others.

Mostly what I got from all of it was a sour taste in my mouth, which led me to put too much pressure on myself to sell books, which led, ultimately, to the inevitable disappointment, because I could never sell as many books as I'd hoped to sell.

Looking back on it all, I wish that I'd done it differently and had gone out on the road with the mindset of just having fun while meeting fellow authors and book readers. That's my goal from now on. Instead of focusing on selling my stories, I'm going to put the emphasis on telling my stories.

And that's just what I'll be doing at two upcoming bookstore appearances:

• On Friday, October 13, at 7 PM, I'll be at the Book Cellar, 4736-38 Lincoln Ave., Chicago (Lincoln Square), reading from both my published and unpublished works as part of the Chicago Writers Association Author's Night;
• And on Sunday, November 19, at 3 PM, I'll be at the Barnes & Noble, 6685 E. State St., Rockford, as part of a Sisters in Crime/Love is Murder Mystery Authors Panel.

So mark your calendar and if you're in the neighborhood, stop by and say hello. No pressure. Just for fun.

The Library Project

A little over a year ago, I made an admission on this blog. Here's what I wrote:

The Toddler has an insatiable appetite for books. Just about every other week now we feed his hunger by loading up on books at the library, checking out a dozen or so at a time.

So I've become a regular library visitor.

But I have a rather embarrassing admission to make. I can't remember the last time I checked out a library book that was not from the children's section.

Until The Toddler entered my life two years ago, I don't think I had even stepped in a library in almost a decade. Almost any book I read I bought, which I'm sure the authors appreciated.

That was by way of introduction to the news that I'd be making promotional appearances in support of my debut novel, Lost in the Ivy, at three libraries near Rockford. That was last September.

Since then, I've made appearances at three other libraries in Chicagoland. Last October, I did a book fair at a library in Joliet. Then, in April, I was on an author's panel at a library in Wheeling. And last week, I did another author's panel at a library in Schaumburg.

Prior to the Schaumburg event, I'd been a bit burnt out on self-promotion. I was tired of talking about my book. I was bored with listening to myself talking about writing. I think mostly it bothered me that I was talking about writing but I wasn't writing. That's what happens when you put all of your efforts into marketing. Your true love - writing - gets dumped.

But when I went to the Schaumburg event, I'd just spent six weeks bringing writing back into my life. Finally, I was making some progress on that elusive second novel. So I was feeling pretty good about myself, as a writer, and I think it helped to have some time away from selling books. And being on a panel with other first-time authors, like Morgan Mandel, Marcus Sakey, Gail Lukasik, Jimmy Jack, Ann Macela, Simone Elkeles and Joseph Rizio, was, in a lot of ways, reinvigorating. You come to realize that you're not floating adrift alone; there are others paddling along with you.
Morgan Mandel, Randy Richardson and Marcus Sakey (left to right) at the Schaumburg Library 1st Time Authors Panel. Photo courtesy of Morgan Mandel.

The panel discussion went almost an hour beyond its two-hour scheduled timeframe, and it was close to 10 PM and I should have been dead tired, my day having begun with my day job almost 16 hours earlier. But I wasn't tired at all. I felt more alive than I'd felt in some time. And I'm chatting with Susan Gibberman, head of reader services at the Schaumburg library. Way back in February, she'd asked me to be a part of the author panel that she was putting together. Here's a lesson for authors: learn to fight your instincts. Because mine were telling me to just say no, and if I had followed those instincts, I would have lost out on what turned out to be a great experience.

The point of all this? I'm not exactly sure. It's taken me a few days to sort it out to some shape and form that resembles a thought bubble hanging over my head. But I call it The Library Project, and it came to me during that chat with Susan Gibberman. After the panel, I asked her if the Schaumburg library has a copy of my book on its shelves. If not, I was prepared to donate a copy. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that she had not only read my book, but had taken the next step and put it in her library. How cool is that? My little book on the shelves of one of the biggest libraries in Chicagoland. Here's another lesson for authors in Chicagoland: get to know Susan Gibberman. She's an author's best friend.

This got me thinking and searching for other libraries that might have a copy of my book. Prior to starting this project, I'd known that there are two copies in the Joliet Public Library. I'd also known that there is a copy in the Chicagoland Underground Library, and there are two copies in the North Suburban Library District, which encompasses the Loves Park and Roscoe libraries outside of Rockford. I'd just learned that there is a copy in the Schaumburg Township District Library. I'd assumed that was it, until this morning, when I ran into a fellow in my office who mentioned that he'd just checked out my book from the Deerfield Public Library. I checked their Web site, and, sure enough, they have a copy. This prompted further research, which led to the discovery that there is also a copy of my book at the Wilmette Public Library. You can search the online catalogue of any of these libraries and you'll find my book. In some cases, there's even a picture of it.

So there are at least six libraries in Chicagoland where you can find my book. Now I have absolutely no idea how my book ended up in either the Deerfield or the Wilmette libraries, but I'm guessing that a patron read about it somewhere and requested it. Many - maybe most - libraries will do this for their patrons. If they get requests for a book, they'll try to get it.

This is where that thought bubble comes into play. I spend a considerable amount of time at the children's section of two libraries. Neither of these libraries has a copy of my book. For that, I deserve a failing grade as a self-promoter. But I'm going to try to improve on that grade, and that is what The Library Project is all about.

My goal is that by the end of the year my book will be in both of those libraries, even if it means donating copies to them. After I have achieved that goal, I will set my sights on another library, and then another and another. You get the idea.

I would also like to enlist your help in this project. The next time you go to your local library, ask them if they have my book. If they don't, request it. It's that simple. Each time you do this, let me know by either commenting on this blog entry or writing me an email through this Web site. I'd like to keep a running tally of all the libraries that have become a part of this project. 

The best way to get your book read is to get it in the library. It's that simple. The Library Project is a simple idea aimed at achieving a simple, but worthwhile, goal: getting my book read and making it available to be read.

Goals, Schmoals!

The original title to this blog entry was, How I Learned to Find Peace, Contentment and even Happiness in Failing to Achieve My Writing Goals. But that got a bit unwieldy, as my blogging program politely edified me on.

But I digress. This all starts on Saturday, when I hosted D-Day, an event sponsored by my friends at the Chicago Writers Association. Two months ago, I wrote about this event on this blog. I explained that the "D" is for deadline, and the concept behind the event is that you, as a writer, set a goal to complete a writing project that you've either been thinking about doing or have already started but have stalled out on and need a jump start.

Close to thirty writers signed up to participate in D-Day. Less than one-third showed up for the D-Day celebration.

There are a lot of ways that you could look at that and you could come up with any number of explanations for the winnowing of writers. Here are just a sampling of hypothetical reasons:

• The writer never intended on coming.
• The writer intended to come but something else came up.
• The writer lost enthusiasm somewhere along the way.
• The writer was drunk and doesn't remember signing up.
• The writer didn't meet the goal. 

The last one is the one that's probably most plausible. Truth be told, I didn't meet my stated goal, which was to write 20,000 words. But I was hosting the party, so I couldn't beg out.

Even though I didn't reach my goal, in many ways I feel like I did. How could that be, you ask?

Well, for far too long I'd been telling people that I was working on my next novel when, in fact, I wasn't. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of would-be novelists that do this all the time. What it means is that they're thinking about writing but not really writing. They call this "conceptualizing" but it really just means they they're stuck in a mud bog, spinning their wheels. As a writer, this is an awfully easy trap to fall into.  

Sometimes, as a writer, you just need a good kick in the ass. That's what D-Day turned out to be for me. Over the course of two months, my manuscript grew from 3,000 words to 15,000 words. The average length of a novel is 60,000 to 100,000 words. Obviously, I've still got a long way to go. But I'm a lot closer to getting there than I was two months ago. If I keep at the pace of 6,000 words per month, I'll be able to write "The End" before this time next year. And that's a goal worth striving for.

During the D-Day event, I read the first chapter of my novel-in-progress. I note this primarily because that first chapter didn't exist two weeks ago. Back in April I offered readers of this blog an insiders peek at my current project. To my surprise, a few even took me up on the offer and I sent them a sample of it. I feel a bit guilty about that now, since the story now has a completely different opening to it. So I'm renewing the offer. If you'd like to read the new Chapter 1, contact me by email and I'll get it out to you by special e-delivery. Of course I make no promises that a year from now, when I've finished writing this darned thing, Chapter 1 won't look completely different than it does now. That, of course, is the nature of writing. It's an evolutionary process that, hopefully, becomes better over time.

--------------------------

As a reminder, this Wednesday, August 16, I'll be on a panel at the Schaumburg Township District Library, 2nd Floor, Adult Classroom, 130 South Roselle Road, Schaumburg, Ill., from 7-9 P.M. Joining me on the panel discussion, Is It REALLY Happiliy Ever After, will be other local first-time authors Simone Elkeles, Jimmy Jack, Gail Lukasik, Ann Macela, Morgan Mandel, Joseph Rizio, and Marcus Sakey. We'll be discussing what it's like to sell and market that first book.

So, is it REALLY happily ever after? Oh, I can't ruin the ending for you. You'll have to come by the Schaumburg Library and find out for yourself. Oh, if you can't stop by, please tell your friends.

Kids and Dentists: The Unbrushed Tooth

The ideal time for a child's first visit to the dentist, according to the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry, the American Dental Association and the Academy of General Dentistry, is at approximately one year of age.

Uh, pardon me while I cough up a crown, but if there's one lesson that I've learned in life it is this: There is no "ideal time" for a visit to the dentist. Unless getting teeth pulled is your cup of tea. On my personal scale of things I least like to do, opening my oral cavity to a dentist ranks just below opening my anal cavity for a proctologic exam.

There are, apparently, philosophical differences of opinion in the medical community as to when a child should first see the dentist. I'm not sure what most pediatricians tell parents, but ours told us that it was okay to wait until The Kid turned three before subjecting him to the horrors of the dentist chair.

When faced with competing medical advice, I have found it always best to do what is best for the child. In other words, hold off for as long as you can. Or until you can't stick another lollipop in your child's mouth without feeling the weight of parental guilt.

Parental guilt for us set in just after The Kid turned three.

Ever the dutiful parents, we did our best to prepare The Kid for his date with the dentist chair. That meant reading to him a Dora the Explorer book about a first visit to the dentist – over and over and over again. Dora the Explorer makes a first visit to the dentist seem like a stroll in the park. In Dora's world, all kids leave the dentist with a big smile. Initially, The Kid seemed to take this rosy portrayal hook, line and sinker.

Three-year-olds, though, are so much smarter than the books written for them. The evening before his dental appointment, I first began to sense wariness about his pending date with the dental chair. He wasn't going to be the easy catch going in with mouth wide open as I'd hoped.

We, as parents, had been advised to schedule his appointment at a time when he would be in a good mood, as if there is predictability in a three-year-old's mood. We arrived at nine in the morning, on a Saturday, in an empty parking lot.

The dentist that we chose had come with high marks from our pediatrician. His daughter, just a few months older than The Kid, had just started seeing this particular dentist. As it turns out, the pediatrician and the dentist share the same building. We, as parents, thought this might be a good thing and make The Kid a little bit more comfortable. We couldn't have been more wrong.

To get to the dentist's office, you have to walk down a dark stairwell. In the eyes and mind of The Kid, I'm pretty sure that we were walking down into a dungeon. The dentist's office, it turns out, is underground, buried below his pediatrician's office. For three years we've been going to the same pediatrician without knowing what went on below, or even that there was a below.

Pediatric dentists today are much more sensitive to the fears of children than when I was growing up, way back in the dark ages, when the dentist would pretty much throw you in the chair and start yanking out your teeth. The modern dentist, in contrast, uses the first few visits to socialize children into the dental setting. These so-called "happy visits" are designed to make a visit to the dentist not seem so daunting for kids and are tailored to the child's level of maturity and self-confidence.

This all sounds nice and progressive in theory, but as with so many things, reality rears its ugly head, which is what I was expecting on top of the dentist. To my surprise, this dentist looked more like a fairytale princess than an old witch. The Kid, however, saw right through her outward charms. Upon seeing her, he backed away, as if he'd just seen the face of a monster. The crocodile puppet with the oversized teeth that she wore on one of her hands was a dental prop intended to make her seem more friendly but only seemed to frighten him more.

For about five minutes, like a mob collector, I struggled and bargained with The Kid in the lobby outside the dentist office, but not even a promise whispered in his ear that there would be a trip to the toy store if he would just go in and sit down in the dentist chair calmed him. Then Mommy made the inevitable sacrifice, lassoing him and putting herself in the dentist chair and The Kid in her lap. While Mommy buckled him in with her arms, Daddy brushed the teeth of the crocodile puppet before moving on to the teeth of The Kid. If the dentist was building up trust with The Kid, that all went down the spit bowl when she asked him to open his mouth so that she could count his teeth. It turns out that The Kid takes after The Father and doesn't like opening his oral cavity to dentists. Frustration evident in her eyes, the dentist literally took matters into her pink plastic gloved hands, forced his mouth open and counted all twenty teeth while The Kid put up a fight that made The Father proud.

When it was all over, the dentist gave The Kid one of her pink plastic gloves, which she had inflated with an air squirter, and a clean bill of oral health. The Parents, meanwhile, got their parental guilt rinsed clean and a bill for $40.

Mid-term Exam

It's time for a mid-term examination of this Web site. Sure it's a month behind schedule. But it's not like anybody in this class is paying attention anyways. Right? Yeah, I see you drooling on yourselves. WAKE UP!

Okay, now that I've got your attention, here's a little pop quiz. Don't worry, it's not like you're going to be graded on this. There aren't any wrong answers to these questions.

1. How often do you stop by this blog?
2. Do you read any other blogs and, if so, how many (approximate number)?
3. What would you do if you smelled smoke in a crowded theater?
4. What do you like most about this blog?
5. What do you like least about it?
6. What does the proverbial phrase "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" mean to you?
7. If you could change one thing abou this blog, what would it be?
8. Do you know why you are here?

Don't feel obligated to answer any of the above. I'm just trying to get a better feel for exactly who is reading this blog. Judging purely by the comments, it would be my guess that it's mostly people that I know. But the traffic stats seem to suggest that there are a lot more people stopping by here than there are people that I know.

An odd phenomenon: While I stopped doing any kind of promotion at the beginning of the year and sales of my book came to a screeching halt, website traffic here has continued to steadily grow. The last two months were the heaviest traffic months ever on ths blog, and I'm really at a loss to explain why.

Here are the Web site stats that I reported on Jan. 1 of 2006:

•  Raw Hits/Month (Avg): 5,376
• Unique Visitors/Month (Avg): 735
• Busiest Month: October (9,543 hits, 1,108 unique)
• Slowest Month: February (1,957 hits, 459 unique)
• Google Page Rank: 3/10
• Most Popular Search Engine Queries:

1. Randy Richardson
2. Lost in the Ivy
3. Marla Collins (or Cubs Ballgirl) nude (or Playboy)
4. Jo Frost (or Supernanny) nude
5. Bubs Daddy Gum

As a comparison, here are the same categories and their stats as of July 30, 2006:

• Raw Hits/Month (Avg): 8,010
• Unique Visitors/Month (Avg): 1,281
• Busiest Month: July (11,112 hits, 2,208 unique)
• Slowest Month: January (6,119hits, 1,001 unique)
• Google Page Rank: 4/10

Most Popular Search Engine Queries:

1. Bubs Daddy Bubble Gum 
2. Randy Richardson
3. Marla Collins (or Cubs Ballgirl) nude (or Playboy)
4. Gum Liquid (or Gooey) Center (or Filled)
5. Kweisi Dunlap

Super Bubble Apple is available from HometownFavorites.comBubs Daddy and Randy Richardson are actually running neck-and-neck and are well ahead of the rest of the pack. It's amazing to me that there are so many people out there searching for Bubs Daddy Bubble Gum -- which now is apparently being marketed as Super Bubble. Talk about a long-lasting gum. In the last month, 18 searches for Bubs Daddy led to my Web site. I guess it makes me feel a little bit better about the world that I'm running neck-and-neck with Bubs Daddy as opposed to, let's say, nude pictures of Supernanny, which, as far as I know, don't exist -- although that doesn't stop people from searching for them, I've previously discovered.

The most obvious absence on the top 5 is my book, which is also the title of this Web site and the impetus for launching this Web site.The last time it was No. 2. Now it doesn't make the top 5. In the past month, there was exactly one search of Lost in the Ivy that led to this Web site. That's a bit depressing to me.

A couple of new categories to chew on:

• Feed Subscriptions to My Blog: 158
• Raw Hits in the Last Year: 96,122

Not sure what to glean from all of the above. Other than that Web site traffic seems to have no impact at all on book sales. Translation: Just because people will read your words for free doesn't mean that they will pay to read them.