Three Little Words

One day you plant a seed and from it this most amazing creature grows. A little being that walks and talks.

Well, this was a major notch on my laboratory belt. Certainly it blew Sea Monkeys, my only previous experiment at life creation, out of the water.

A great deal if not most of the credit, of course, goes to my lovely lab assistant, who for nine months sacrificially served as the pod for that seed and who continues to give me lessons in proper parenting techniques.

Somewhere along the way our little experiment went haywire, though. The creature learned that he could use the abilities that we’d played a role in developing against us. Now he was not only walking but doing it all over us. And boy could he talk – back to us.

“No, Daddy. No.”

“How ’bout, “Yes, Daddy?’” I’d naively reply.

“No, Daddy.”

Being the parent of a toddler means you’ve surrendered. You are at his mercy. He runs the house. You are only his servant.

“Daddy do.”

“How ’bout, “You do.’”

“No, Daddy do.”

You can see the genius in his argument, can’t you? There’s no way to win. Sure you could prolong the war, but what purpose would that serve? Because it always comes back to “Daddy do.”

In this autocracy, all parents are not created equal. Mommy ranks No. 1. Daddy is mostly treated as an intruder.

“Mommy do.”

“How ’bout, “Daddy do.’”

“No, Mommy do.”

Sometimes you feel cheated. If there is a choice between Mommy and Daddy, Mommy’s always the chosen one. You become that kid in gym class that gets picked last every time. No matter how hard you try, you just don’t match up.

For Mommy, however, popularity is a double-edged sword. Because with popularity comes expectations. And when she fails to live up to those expectations, well, Mt. Toddler erupts. So she gets the best and the worst the Toddler is able to dish out. Being ranked number one also means that when The Toddler wakes in the middle of the night, he comes to Mommy. While Daddy snoozes in a bed that he suddenly has all to himself, Mommy camps out on the floor with The Toddler.

Who has it better – Mommy or Daddy? I don’t know the answer to that one, and I’m not sure that there is or even should be one. Perhaps it all breaks even. What I do know is that parenting is not an easy job on either side. There are no magic formulas that will make it easier. And even if there were, I don’t know if I’d want them. Sure I’d be tempted at times. But isn’t the greatest joy of parenting those surprises that come when you least expect them?

Yes, you get worn down by the tantrums and combativeness but then one day he says something different. Instead of “No, Daddy,” he says, “Love you, Daddy.” And you look in stunned disbelief. Did you really hear what you just thought you heard, or is your mind playing tricks on you?

“What did you just say?”

And then he repeats it: “Love you, Daddy.”

Only three little words but boy do they make a difference in your outlook as a parent. They’re enough to make you think that maybe – just maybe – this little experiment will turn out all right.